Sunday, February 7, 2010

Winter Warmers: Snowpocolypse Edition

The great 2010 Snowpocolypse has hit Philadelphia, dumping almost 30 inches of snow on the city and generally making it difficult to get a cab. Many bars, with little consideration to the well-being of local alcoholics, are closed and the specter of the delirium tremens is breathing down our necks (or at least boredom is). As service to my fellow man, here are some of my favorite cold weather drinks:

Foggy Bottom

2 parts spiced rum
2 parts ginger beer
3 parts apple cider

Pour everything in a doubles glass and drink. Feel your soul thaw.

Manzana Cider

1 oz reposado tequila
1/4 oz creme de cassis
1 oz  apple cider
1/4 oz lemon juice

Combine ingredients in a mixing glass with ice, strain into a collins glass and garnish with an apple slice.

The Tom Bomb 

This drink was made up by Tom (also known as "The Bartender"). If drinking this floods you with joy or helps you get laid, thank Tom. He can be found being surly to customers at Philly's Moriarty's Bar most nights.

3/4 full pint glass of Guinness 250 year edition
1 shot Patron coffee-flavored tequila with a Bailey's floater

Drop the shot in the Guinness and quaff.  Give it a minute to catch up with you.

Alexander the Great

1 oz creme de cacao
1 oz coffee liquor
1 oz heavy cream
3 oz vodka

Shake everything with ice and strain into a highball glass.  This is a one and done drink. (Theoretically. I mean,  if you're really a proper drunk, it might be a three and done drink). Its potent. It goes down easy. Really easy. Good luck finding your panties in the morning.

WTF Australia?

Ladies, you if have small bosoms put them away. Australia does not want to see them. The Australian Censor Board (ACB) has banned the depiction of women with A-cup breasts in porn because it promotes child pornography. That's right ladies, if you have small tits you are not a proper woman. And if you like small tits you are apparently a closeted kiddy-toucher. Thank you Australia from protecting us all from the scourge of itty bitty titties. No word yet on the ACB's feeling about about shaved snatch, because there is absolutely nothing pre-pubescent about that at all.

Australian Censor Board Demands Large-Breasted Porn Stars (BoingBoing)

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Saturday Night Quickies

See kids, this is what the deprivations of living in Canada (aka America's Hat) can lead you to do (Porn Star in the Kitchen. Um, yeah its NSFW).

Not a new posting by any means, but just one example of what makes this site so fucking fantastic. Here are "Five Movies That Might Encourage Narrow-Minded Assholes to Vote For Same-Sex Marriage" (Pajiba).

Not exactly what I plan to do with my Saturday evening, but I guess some people get off on this sort of thing. I'm looking at you Emo kid, you with the artfully applied liner and the skinny jeans. This is onion abuse! (Bizarre News).

I used to date this guy from Jersey who was absolutely fantastic in the sack. He was also crazy about anything spicy. There was nothing so hot that he would not eat it. He said his goal was to one day eat pepper spray. A guy's gotta dream. Anyway, this has nothing to do with his horizontal skills, but it is about  the amazing things peppers can do. (Mental Floss).

Sorry For the Toothy Blow Job Bacon and Goat Cheese Pasta

It happens. You don't want it too (alright sometimes you do, but that is for a completely different post). You take every precaution you learned in college, but there are times when you still wind up giving toothy head. I'm not talking a little scrape on the molars, I am talking cheese-grater here. I am talking penile abrasion. Granted this usually happens early in one's dick-sucking life (or when really drunk, I'll give you that); however, if you take his dick skin off with your teeth its only polite to make him a nice meal afterward. Consider this a "Gee, I'm really sorry about that- I'm sure it will grow back in no time, honey" recipe. Of course, you don't have to take his dick skin off to cook this, its just that its so fucking good that he'll have no choice but to forgive you.

I tend to be pretty lax about ingredient quantities. Its cooking, its not rocket science. If you like something add more, you don't like it take it out or substitute. Make a recipe your own. That way you can whip it up all spur-of-the-moment-like and really impress people.

Bacon, Goat-Cheese and Spinach Pasta

*this will actually make enough for four people- so either you gave a lot of bad head at an orgy or you want something to eat in bed later. Or your could cut the recipe in half.

1lb thick-cut bacon
1 medium sized sweet onion
1 16oz package of fresh baby spinach (go organic if you took the skin off the dick of an NPR listener)
8oz herbed goat cheese (the semi-soft kind)
3/4lbs campanile-shaped pasta (looks like a frilly trumpet- this shape seems to hold the flavors of the           sauce best and it looks classy)

Bring a large pot of salted water (it should taste like seawater, well, you know, minus the seaweed and diftwood elements).  Cook the pasta to al dente (about 12 minutes).

In the meantime, cut the bacon into 1 inch strips (I use kitchen shears- room temperature bacon is a bitch to try to cut with a knife). Fry the bacon until very crispy (not blackened- unless you like that, then by all means, burn those little mofos until your heart's content). You want to do this in a big, deep fry pan. We are going to put all kinds of shit into this pan later. Set the bacon aside to drain on a paper towel-covered plate.  Use a slotted spoon to take the bacon out because you need to save the bacon grease.

Slice the onion into approximately 2 inch by 1/4 inch pieces. Turn the heat on the bacon grease down to low-medium. Cook the onions in the bacon grease until translucent. You kitchen will now be enveloped in the kind of smell that will trigger a Pavlovian response in everyone within 50 feet- this is the first step toward forgiveness.

Once the onions are soft and translucent, add the spinach. You want to cook the spinach until it just starts to wilt. This is only going to take a couple of seconds. Once the spinach is wilted, add half of the goat cheese and stir until melted (again, this isn't going to take long). Add the drained pasta and stir until well-coated. Now you want to add the bacon and the the remaining goat-cheese. You can add the goat-cheese in smaller pieces to adjust for taste.

Voila (that's French for "forget your bleeding dick I have made you a scrumptious meal") your dinner is now ready to serve.