Monday, September 27, 2010

If Puttanesca is Whore's Sauce, then I guess this is . . . Slut's Sauce? Yeah, let's go with Slut's Sauce

This will all make sense. I promise. 

Us sluts get hungry. Romping burns calories and those calories need to be replaced by something other than alcohol calories (which are totally cool, by the way, let no one say I don't support a healthy alcohol intake) if one is to continue romping. Carbs are a good place to start. You could order a pizza, but then someone is going to have to put their pants on to answer the door for the delivery guy. Unless you are in a porn, then, by all means, feel free to answer pantless. Sans pantaloons, if you're fancy. So pasta it is then, because everyone has dried pasta in some form in the cupboard. However, red sauce from a jar screams one of two things, "I am still in college and we are fucking in my dorm/on-campus apartment" or "payday is Friday and I'm broke, bitch." But homemade red sauce is an entirely different beast. Homemade red sauce indicates that you are a multi-talented slut, one with hidden depths, a slut who makes mutherfuckin' red sauce from scratch. As an added bonus, you can make this sauce in the time it takes the water to boil and the noodles to cook and it will be better than any damn store sauce out there. It might even be better than yo' momma's red sauce. Just sayin'

Slut's Sauce

1 small yellow onion
2 table spoons minced garlic (buy pre-minced stuff in a jar, no one wants a garlic-scented hand job later).
1 can San Marzano crushed tomatoes (Stick with this brand- it's easy to find and tastes the best of widely available canned tomatoes).
6-8 large fresh Basil leaves (dried leaves are for losers).
Olive oil
Salt and Pepper

Heat olive oil in a heavy bottom skillet over medium heat. Dice the onion and saute the onion in the olive oil until it becomes translucent. Add the garlic. Once the garlic starts to brown (about a minute to a minute and a half), add the crushed tomatoes. Stir to incorporate the tomatoes, onion and garlic. Chiffonade the basil leaves. (To chiffonade the basil leaves stack the leaves on top of each other and roll them tightly- should look like a basil joint. Make narrow horizontal cuts. You'll wind up with what looks like narrow ribbons of basil). Stir the basil leaves into the tomato mixture. Salt and pepper to taste.  Mix with the pasta and top with Parm or Asiago cheese. Congrats you are now full of delicious energy-providing carbs. Fuck away.

                                                                                       Hopefully your partner feels this way.